Putting the Motion in Emotion - How families can navigate the emotions of making Long Term Care decisions.
Several years ago, psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler Ross released a groundbreaking study on grief in which she outlined the emotional “stages” which people typically go through when facing a significant loss. Since the release of her study, others have pointed out that the five stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – are often seen in other situations where significant life changes or challenges are present. Families or individuals facing tough decisions regarding long term care (LTC) often find themselves experiencing many of these same emotions and an awareness of them can make the decision process smoother.

It can be shocking to realize that you or an aging loved one needs special care. Often these needs arise suddenly with no warning or chance to prepare. This realization can at times become so overwhelming that it’s tempting to ignore it in hopes that it will somehow resolve itself or go away. Most times however, avoidance makes long term care issues worse and more difficult for families to resolve. Families or individuals facing LTC decisions can best overcome denial by facing the issues squarely and by creating a structured plan for addressing the situation. This may start with a family meeting, a discussion with a spouse or parent, or a consultation with a professional.

Once the initial shock wears off, families facing tough care decisions can become frustrated or angry. They may be already stressed with life demands and siblings who carry the primary responsibility of caring for a parent may be angry at other siblings who either won’t or can’t help out. Individuals may also ask, “Why me?” and try to ‘bargain’ with the universe in hopes of getting more time, etc. Many find it helpful to process feelings of anger with a professional who can help sort out these feelings and develop positive coping skills.

Depression can set in when individuals realize that despite all attempts to avoid a situation or despite all attempts to change it, the circumstances remain. This is a pivotal phase because it can produce both paralysis and inspiration. Those who give in to the heaviness of the depression phase often remain stuck while those who use it as an opportunity to reevaluate their options often find it to be a source of positive movement. Those who find themselves in this phase when caring for a loved one can avoid the ‘stuckness’ by remaining aware of the temptation to give up but choosing instead to pursue the opportunities available to them.

Acceptance involves a conscious and peaceful coming to terms with reality. It acknowledges that the situation is what it is and cannot be avoided. This may mean facing one’s own mortality or accepting the new physical or mental limitations of a loved one. Those who benefit most from acceptance are those who focus on controlling what they can control while developing a healthy submission to what can’t be changed.

Obviously, not every individual or family facing a crisis goes through these exact emotional stages in this exact order. Long term care issues are complicated and unique and resolving them never looks the same way twice. Many will find themselves daily jumping from one emotion to the next while some will find themselves spending prolonged periods in particular stages. The challenge before families is how to work through the emotion and stress while ensuring that their loved one receives the care and support they need. The emotions that we experience during stressful times are often seen as enemies but are really potential allies – the root of the word emotion is ‘motion’ so as families better recognize and channel this energy it can be used as a powerful force for moving forward. There are many resources available for families who need help in making long term care decisions – those who tap their emotions in positive ways can work together to ensure that loved ones receive the care and support needed.


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